A Cool Pastor

A very much tongue in cheek note on modern day leadership. Sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves! (No offense intended)

I was thinking about my ministry the other day and as my goal is to become famous and popular and have a huge church I realised that I need to make some adjustments in order to be a “cool pastor”. So here are some things I have decided to do so that I can be a better man of God:

1.    I need to look the part. Invest in a pair of skinny jeans. Always go for the T-Shirt, jacket look. Pumps are good. (note to self – suits are EVIL!)

2.    Donate all my Bibles to a charity shop. Don’t need them anymore. From now on – only read the Bible on my I-Phone. Don’t need any pens either as I only preach from my I-Pad from now on

3.    Don’t visit any needy people in the church, get other people to do that. It is much cooler just to send them a Facebook message instead

4.    Don’t pray for people, I am too busy. Find someone in the church who is retired and get them to do all the praying.

5.    Come into every service a few minutes late. I am sure the sight of me walking past during the second song will inspire people to even greater levels of worship

6.    Make sure I teach my people that they give me a standing ovation before I get up to preach. This is what Paul meant when he said those who preach God’s Word are worthy of double honour

7.    Instruct my PA that I am too busy to have meetings with any members who pop by the office. I always have time to see my minister friends though and update my Twitter account

8.    Watch episodes of The Apprentice over and over again. Lord Alan Sugar is my model for ministry (he’s successful after all!) Love telling that steward “you’re fired!”

9.    Make sure I network with loads of other ministers, but only with people under 50. Those old timers don’t have anything relevant to say to me. I’m a cool pastor

10. Make sure I only read books written after 1998. Go through my library and throw away any books by Wesley, Finney, Tozer or Spurgeon. They are so un-cool these days

11. Make sure I have a bigger house and nicer car than anyone in my congregation. After all I have to be someone they aspire to be like

12. Never ever confess any faults or weakness’ I have to my congregation. They would never want to follow anyone who was not perfect

13. Make sure I preach at a leader’s network day at least once a year. That way I can call myself an apostle

14. Make sure I preach outside South Yorkshire. That way I can tell people I have an international ministry

15. Practise my speech for when other ministers ask how things are doing. Remember to say things are always awesome, wonderful, amazing and the church is always growing and flourishing. Never ever say anything about any problems we are having – they might not respect me or invite me to preach at their conference.

16. Put on loads of social action events and outreaches and stress the need to my church to be there. Of course I can’t be there myself, I need a day off. Unlike them I have to work Sundays!

17. Make sure I never speak on sin, repentance, hell or holiness. That would be crazy! I am trying to be cool. Preaching like that brings people into condemnation

18. Keep reminding people that I am a Pentecostal and that God is moving in our church. Of course we don’t see miracles, signs or wonders and we always stick to the programme, but I don’t want people to call me a flake behind me back!

19. Make sure I keep the number of scriptures I use in my sermons (sorry – talks) to a minimum. People can’t retain too much information. They can of course retain my funny stories and anecdotes

So I have decided if I follow all those points, I will be a cool pastor. But maybe God isn’t too interested in me being cool. Maybe He has called me to be like Jesus. The Jesus in the gospels was humble, gentle and didn’t come to be served but to serve. He was challenging, in your face, passionate, powerful yet full of love, grace and compassion. He always had time for people, even the rejects of society. He touched lepers, and washed disciple’s feet. He had no beauty or majesty that would attract us to Him, nothing in His outward appearance that men would desire Him. He never took glory for Himself but always pointed it back to the Father. He never exaggerated who He was or saw the need to promote Himself or defend Himself – He was secure in who He was, a child of God. He was and is the ultimate Pastor and the ultimate leader.

I want to be a little bit cool. But I want to be a lot like Jesus. Help me Holy Spirit.